The Al Morton Takeout
It’s neither big nor clever, but it can be occasionally funny. I’m Al Morton, and apparently, I enjoy tilting at windmills—whether it’s Brexit fiascos, greedy water and energy fat cats, or the free-speech warriors who’d love to tear up the Human Rights Act while shouting about liberty. I play guitar on these podcasts, and as a former programmer, rail against artificial intelligence, social media manipulation, and the influence of dark money on our political systems. If all that sounds a bit heavy, relax! Life’s too short to wallow in the hopelessness of changing anything. But what the hell, I am going to give it a go. So, grab your lance, saddle up your trusty burro, and let the windmill tilting begin!
Episodes
Sunday Aug 11, 2024
Jazz Catastrophes, Royal Gongs & Sangría
Sunday Aug 11, 2024
Sunday Aug 11, 2024
Episode 22. In this late-election special, we dive into the murky waters of Clacton to find out if something dangerous is lurking. We explore the history of England’s favourite patron saint, St George. Can you even write dragon-slayer on your visa application? There are more ludicrous royal honours and a potential knighthood for Johnson’s dog, Dylan. I end up in hot water for playing jazz in a blues bar as experts on the GB News website warn about the perils of holidaying in Spain. Spoiler: it doesn’t involve sunburn or sangría. And finally, more antics from X, the platform formerly known as Twitter. WARNING! This podcast may contain nudity, foul language, and some truly dreadful guitar playing. Honestly, you'd probably be better off listening to something else.
Saturday Oct 07, 2023
The Piranhas of Benidorm
Saturday Oct 07, 2023
Saturday Oct 07, 2023
Episode 21. This special edition celebrates the spirit of HS2 cancel-culture as we salute the British green-washed, Prime Minister Rishi Sunak. I suggest alternative uses for the Bibby Stockholm ‘stop-the-boats’ prison barge. Baroness Barbie tells us about her first day in the House of Lords and I come face-to-face with the perils of The Telegraph dating App. We ask why piranha-like fish are attacking tourists around Benidorm's beaches. We also discuss a few posts on X, the pointlessly renamed Twitter. Finally, why not stick around ‘until the end and take my 15-point challenge to find out if you have been infected by the woke mind virus. WARNING! Despite its superficial nature, this podcast may include some adult themes. Listener discretion is advised.
Thursday May 25, 2023
The Rise Of The Machines
Thursday May 25, 2023
Thursday May 25, 2023
Episode 20. In this edition, we dive deeper into the world of artificial intelligence and those who seek to flood social media with AI-generated content for ad revenue and ebook sales. We find out what happens when your virtual girlfriend decides to dump you. We use a pirate treasure map to locate a Brexit benefit and drop in at the Tory Party election Death Star for a dose of anger-management therapy. In addition, we meet GB News’ democracy expert, Lady V - who wants all protesters locked up. Oooh hold my beer! And finally, get ready for a showdown with a banking app as we learn why the 2001 Space Odyssey 'pod bay doors' wouldn't open. WARNING! This podcast deals with adult themes, so hide your kids and wives!
Monday Mar 20, 2023
Springtime for Turnips
Monday Mar 20, 2023
Monday Mar 20, 2023
Episode 19. In this uproarious edition, we salute the humble root vegetable at the heart of the Tory British Empire. There are Chinese spy balloons popping up all over the place, and we ask if the presenters of GB News are suffering from Long Johnson. There is a shaggy-dog story as we drop in on another guitar lesson from Venus. We also dive into all the naughty bits from Prince Harry’s book, Spare, with a little help from Mike Britton. And last but not least, remembering the legendary Acker Bilk.
Saturday Dec 17, 2022
A Christmas Knee
Saturday Dec 17, 2022
Saturday Dec 17, 2022
In Episode 18: We discuss why it could be a bad idea to ask Melania Trump to decorate your tree and ask - should football be banned at Christmas? Also, why does tofu taste so nasty when ‘Lefty Guardian readers’ are supposed to love it? And what does ‘woke’ actually mean? We feature the new Die Hard Christmas movie, Winter of Discontent, starring Sushi Fishsnack as a hard-bitten UK prime minister. Can he prevail over the nurses, train drivers, and post-office strikers who want to blow up the economy or is it all an ERG / Putin plot? Finally, Mike Britton on protecting your home from pesky carol singers. All this, plus Suela Braverman’s tips for refugees who want to keep warm this winter: move to Rwanda.
WARNING: The Takeout podcast is the ‘woke mind-virus’ of satirical comedy and does contain some adult content.
Sunday Aug 28, 2022
Fifty Shades of Stupid
Sunday Aug 28, 2022
Sunday Aug 28, 2022
In Episode 17, it’s time to load up those cost-of-living pitchforks and light the ‘angry mob’ torches as we head down to Westminster to demand more money for MPs and tax cuts for the rich. We discuss what was found in the FBI raid on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate, and ask if Liz Truss really is Lady Penelope's marionette puppet from Thunderbirds. Will she even be capable of replacing our magnificent sex-god prime minister? Pamela from Eltham thinks not! We return to the Tory Party Death Star to learn how a proper Evil Empire would deal with pesky refugees. There will be Mumsnet ice cream recipes for cats, guitar lessons from Venus, and we meet some of the girl bots of Twitter. Finally, remembering Ronnie Scott.
Sunday May 08, 2022
Running With Trolls and Scoffing Crisps
Sunday May 08, 2022
Sunday May 08, 2022
In Episode 16, I feature a clash between Jack Monroe, author of Cooking on a Bootstrap, and a right-wing troll. I explore the attention deficit caused by swiping video shorts on TikTok, Instagram and YouTube. It turns into a bit of a rant (sorry). There is an update on the story about the bear that broke into an Italian bakery. This time he’s causing mayhem on a train. We try to interview the porn actor fired for watching politics on his phone whilst on the job and ask the question: Which tractors are the sexiest, and can you be arrested for interfering with them? There will be more beer and curry-fuelled shenanigans from the podcast that is the Fukushima fried fish of satirical comedy.
Wednesday Apr 06, 2022
Specs, Drugs, and Sausage Rolls
Wednesday Apr 06, 2022
Wednesday Apr 06, 2022
In Episode 15 we meet the captain of the Brexit & Orient Pirate Ship, Spirit of Britain (now registered in Cypress). We visit an Italian bakery as Carrito, a rare wild bear, goes full ‘tonto’ and scoffs all the biscuits. We also try to save a big dog called Boris after it eats a pair of the British prime minister’s socks in an Italian castle. Finally, Mike Britton, jazz-guitar twanger to the stars, explains why he had to give his award back and shares a few tips on keeping warm during the fuel crisis. I hope you can find the time to join me in this face-slapping, Kinder-Egg Surprise of a Takeout.
Thursday Feb 17, 2022
A Parrot, a Fridge, and a Spanish Driving Test
Thursday Feb 17, 2022
Thursday Feb 17, 2022
Episode 14: This edition drops in on the British Prime Minister as he fields a call from the Queen mid-Downing Street party. Brenda from Bristol adds her voice to the political maelstrom and we hear from a Cov-idiot on a train. I chat about the Winter of Discontent then join the British Foreign Secretary as she jets off to Ozz in search of Brexit benefits for farmers. I take the Spanish test for drivers nearing their sell-by date and as a result, visit the doctor. We finish off with an uplifting contribution from Mike Britton. There will be parrot jokes, jazz twangers, and a parade of sequinned elephants.
Tuesday Dec 21, 2021
One-Rule-For-Us, One-Yule-For-Them
Tuesday Dec 21, 2021
Tuesday Dec 21, 2021
Warning! This podcast includes some adult content. Welcome to Episode 13. Are you ready to party? Then join Dick Dastardly Johnson and the leader of the Ant Hill gang as they argue over wine and cheesy nibbles at the annual lockdown Prime Minister’s quiz. I reveal if Joe Biden really is the Tinsel-Torcher of Mid-Town Manhattan who set fire to the Fox News Christmas tree. We also discover Hank Marvin’s favourite guitarist. Can you guess who it is yet? So get ready to be entertained by our very own Secret Santa whilst he breaks the lockdown in this One-Rule-For-Us, One-Yule-For-Them, Christmas 2021 Podcast.
The Takeout
It's not big or clever but it is the only podcast with a logo featuring a T-Rex about to eat a flying saucer as it beams up a vindaloo curry near London's Big Ben. The Takeout started shortly after an interview on the Talk Radio FM Book Show. Afterwards, I began writing satirical sketches and political commentary from the perspective of a migrant guitarist and sound engineer. A lot of funny things happened over the years, so I decided to share some of them with you. Brace yourself, as we learn what happened to the man with a tin leg, the plastic cow and why Pink Floyd phoned my Grandma. I also play a little guitar on these recordings!