The Al Morton Takeout
The only podcast guaranteed to go down better than a big kid on a seesaw. If you believe in crypto millionaires or that sexy exotic people are just waiting for your call, you’ve come to the right place. Forget those ‘other’ podcasts by people who think they are so clever. Here, you will find only satirical comedy and stories from the life of a British migrant in Spain. Think of The Takeout as a more disruptive BBC; it doesn‘t exist to entertain, inform, and educate. Neither is it the government‘s lapdog. But it is free, due to an incredibly stingy budget - just me and a guitar...
Thursday Oct 07, 2021
Episode 11 asks: Does the word ‘Foreign’ in Foreign Office stand for the department of overseas holidays? We catch up with an ex-minister in charge as he tries to repatriate a painting of Her Majesty the Queen from the British Embassy in Kabul and also some dogs. We drop in on President Biden in the White House as he fields a difficult call from the British prime minister. I chat about the morality of the cruise industry and answer the big question: What time is the midnight buffet? Sadly, the B-word does get mentioned throughout as I summarise where the UK is, in getting Brexit done. Why is it that everywhere in the world is reporting British fuel and food shortages as being a consequence of Brexit, except in the country where they are happening, where the blame is on the pandemic... Finally, we join a ministry HGV inspector as the world’s worst driver takes his heavy goods vehicle test. Will he pass? Should he be allowed on the roads at all? Why don’t you judge for yourself?
Monday Aug 09, 2021
A 4-minute trailer for Episode 10 - You Only Lie Twice featuring: 'Matt Hancock being fed to Johnson's Piranhas', 'A Plastic Cow', 'Global Britain in Space', and 'Pink Floyd called my Grandma'. All this along with some jazzy guitar playing from - well - just me really. Marvellous.
Saturday Aug 07, 2021
Episode 10. In this edition, we explore what would happen if British Prime Minister Johnson were to play the role of James Bond's nemesis, supervillain Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Would he really feed his political allies to the piranhas? I share further insight from Twitter on Nigel Farage's new career and we find out who NASA would call if Houston were to experience a problem with a British component on a Mars mission. We explore whether or not it is wrong for vegetarian guitarists to play at a steak bar and what the blue-hatted mistress of mischief thought about my playing. Finally, I reveal what happened when Pink Floyd's production manager called my grandmother. Oh dear, this one is going to be a shocker! Join me and our billionaires in space as we romp through this one-rule-for-us-and-a-different-rule-for-you edition of The Al Morton Takeout...
Tuesday Jun 01, 2021
Episode 9. This episode is brought to you live from the decks of The Black Pearl, where Captain Balboa instructs Liz Truss on the British Ministerial Pirate Code. We pay a visit to the Downing St Media Centre and drop in on the recording of a Nasty Party political broadcast. I pay tribute to the passing of HRH the Duke of Edinburgh and Les McKeown of The Bay City Rollers. I tell the story of how I met their greatest fan whilst playing an extract from a Rollers classic on the Spanish guitar.
Sunday Mar 21, 2021
Episode 8. In this explosive edition, we discover which bully is the greater, Megan or Priti. We ask if the Royal Family are racists and share top decorating tips from no.10 for under 200,000. We ask if Mr Potato Head deserves a knighthood more than Nigel Farage and place a call to the COVID hotline. Finally, I reveal what happens when you cancel the musicians for your bingo night.
Sunday Jan 03, 2021
Episode 7 is brought to you live from the bridge of the Tory Party Death Star. Lord Vader makes plans for the devolved regions and Priti Patel gives a fulsome apology for not bullying. Princess Nut Nut topples the mighty Dominic Cummings and Boris Johnson becomes the new Christmas Grinch. We learn about Aardvark husbandry in Spain and the age limit to avoid choking on seedless grapes at New Year. Finally, Catworld goes global with record sales of my thriller, Permissive Ink.
Saturday Oct 24, 2020
An updated trailer for my thriller, Permissive Ink. The Spanish guitar music is Joaquin Malats' 'Serenata Española' and the 'Unlucky Lottery Vendor' theme from Episode 8 was played by myself. There is also an extract from Mike Britton's BBC archive of him playing his arrangement of 'French Mistake' featuring the vocal talents of Angela Christian. Check them out and maybe download a Kindle version of Permissive Ink
Wednesday Oct 14, 2020
Episode 6. In this edition, I nominate Priti Patel for a Nobel Prize for her tireless work helping asylum seekers and ask the question: has the UK become a 'rogue state'? I will be chatting with Miley Cyrus' alter ego about veganism, as well as Davros, Lord of the Daleks, who takes time out of his busy schedule (destroying the universe) to thank Dominic Cummings and the Conservative party. We discover the dangers of competitive paella and which guitars are loudest.
Monday Aug 24, 2020
Episode 1 to 5. (updated) This month I have been busy trying to find an agent for my book. If you are a writer, you already know that there's most probably going to be tears. My blue Brexitty passport arrives, and I pay tribute to guitarist Julian Bream. I question why MPs would rather clap NHS nurses than pay them properly. I also ask why the BBC needs to chase over 75s for their licence fee. Finally, I answer the question: how much vaginal lubricant are you allowed to bring onto a Ryanair flight to Benidorm? I play some guitar, plus Elevator Music by incompetech.com
It's not big or clever but it is the only podcast with a logo featuring a T-Rex about to eat a flying saucer as it beams up a vindaloo curry near London's Big Ben. The Takeout started shortly after an interview on the Talk Radio FM Book Show. Afterwards, I began writing satirical sketches and political commentary from the perspective of a migrant guitarist and sound engineer. A lot of funny things happened over the years, so I decided to share some of them with you. Brace yourself, as we learn what happened to the man with a tin leg, the plastic cow and why Pink Floyd phoned my Grandma. I also play a little guitar on these recordings!